Love is an inkless pen.

Giving the chances to take it all in stride.

Investing time in people today is almost worthless. What do they really take away from it all anyways? The term friendship is taken with a grain of salt. Im standing in a very awkward and uncomfortable pose while they stand there and shout out their views and opinions of me. What do I give them in return? My time, My energy?

When I think of friendship I think of happiness and Fun. I never expected to wake up one day and hear a list of Un-truthful Cons against me. Who I am as a person is Genuine, Im a little broken but I’m still here. Living, Breathing, and feeling all the same emotions that they do. At this point none of this is relivent to you or to me. People are cruel and harsh. Normally steming from their own personal struggles on life, their own personal insecurities. They deal with these by taking verbal actions against other people around them. Its sad when you think about it all really.

I am a girl, a friend, a girlfriend, a daughter, a being of this life. I have good intentions and I know how to hold my friends in a high regaurd. I love them and adore them. I too have my own views but I keep them to myself most of the time when it comes to knowing how it will effect their day.

I think to myself. “This is who they are as a person.” If I cannot deal with them, or accept these things then They are not meant to be in my life, but I will never say…

“I think you want too much attention, I think you need to learn how to be happy on your own rather than begging happiness from others, I think you need to make life decisions that will wrap around you tightly. I think you Drink too much, and I think you keep shitty people at your side when you should throw them away”

These statements can some times be harmful and hurtful.

Think before you speak.

The Color of Skin…..

So last night while I was sitting at Bbq Bar with Vinny, He goes to the rest room and while he is there this guy sits down across the booth.I don’t really think anything of it because we are only sitting on one side. I can share seats, but I’m also not really paying attention to him.


“Does it bother you that I’m sitting here, Is it cause I’m Black?”
My head turns cause I really cant believe that this guy Just said that.. Is he being serious?
He goes on and makes statements like:
“That girl keeps looking over here and then looking away, I bet she is thinking…”Why is that Black guy sitting with that white girl.

?”
-Honestly How the fuck do you know she isn’t into you, or thinks you are cute.

You just failed at a potential drunk hook up for the night idiot
I go on to tell him, thats probably the last thing on her mind.. That people are not like that anymore.


“Well if your parents are 60 and older then their children are raised a certain way…. “
Blah Blah Blah
Yeah okay dude.. check it out.. I was forced as a child to attend a KKK Rally and watch extremely fucked up shit from a couple I had to stay with for a while… and guess what….
I’M THE LEAST FUCKING RACIST PERSON YOU WILL EVER MEET.

In fact I’m completely against it. As individuals we get this awesome right to decide how we live life on our own.. We get to make our own decisions..

I was not aware that in today’s events this was still an issue.. Last time i check we were in fact sharing water fountains and all children were attending schools as an equal population.. We are not divided anymore dude… The only thing diving you from me right now is your lack of self awareness and knowledge towards society.

After finding out quickly I’m not falling into his cry for attention. HE makes his last statement.


“Black people are more racist today then white people are.

”
I did not make it that way and its pretty sad that these are your views and concerns.

I was born in 1984 after Peace Love and Unity I just wanna be happy. Why is race still an issue at all, why do i need to have this conversation at 3:00 am in my local friendly bar? I have far more things to worry about right now, like our current president being a complete and total tit, going to war with Iraq for gas… Etc…

Get over yourself and stop crying about something that happened years ago… Fucked up shit happens all the time.. Open your mind to other countries and cultures and how they are suffering today.. not how people suffered 60 years ago…

Hardwired & Silent

Was it out of jealousy? Was it out of frustration? Im not sure what last night was at all. Im not sure where any of it came from. If I did walk through the door holding hands with another guy it wasnt because I was into him, or flirting with him. Im in love with my boyfriend and I seriously have no reason to do such acts. I know that I was brining him in to the house to meet everyone. and that was it. but take it as you will. the conversation lead into talking about Jaeden again which is something that I dont ever want to talk about again. I want her out of my life and Ive said that so many times. All my efforts everything. All the emotional stress all the crying was for nothing. It was brought up again. This was created foe me, this isnt sometihng that i just made up to be upseet about. Just fucking get it just understand please. i dont know what to do about any of it really. its all a bunch of crap that I just dont want to deal with anymore. I want to be with my boyfriend and just be happy. its all i ask. I just want to be happy with her involement. I dont think that is too much to ask for really. They had a friendship for 4 months thats fucking nothing. half of it was them trying to figure “them” out im sure. Which I was lied to about.

He keeps saying that he understands but he really doesnt. He keeps going back and fourth with i dont wanna be her friend i think this about her and then he goes back on his word and says “i do wanna be her friend” well which is it. Because I cant deal with that not at this point. not after all our fights have been because of her. Why would he expect me to anyways? All I ask is for honesty and trust. If you dont have that then you dont have anything. and thats not what im investing my time into. This means so much to me and to be in this r’ship. I’ve said it so many times and I dont wanna have to go through this again next week. I really want all of this to be over with. I’ve givin up friends, friendships that were longer than 4 months old. He keeps saying “well i dont care about that stuff” He does.

This morning I woke up and I wasnt sure how I was going to handle this situation. I didnt know what i was suppose to do and I didnt know “do i just walk away from it all” and just let him have what he wants. What does he want? Im not sure. At this point after going back and fourth on things he has told me. Its so unclear. I know myself and I know I wont walk away from this but I also know that I will not go through this one more time. I cant. I’ve done this too many times not just with him but in general. She is just a girl.. and Im the girl he says he is in love with…

It really makes me sad.

-To be continued.

Él es mi amor

When I first started this “blog” It was to get out all my negative energy, all my frustrations. I can happily say that this past month, I haven’t had much of any of that.. there have been a few tears here and there but its all within dealing with the adjustment of something new in my life not everything will be 100% perfect at first there are things we both need to get use to, Its normal. I can say that I’m happy and I’m in love. I met the person I could possibly spend the rest of my life with. Every time I look in his eyes I feel the butterflies in my heart flying around and his kisses taste so sweet.

I always end up with douche bags who walk all over my sensitivity and they take my heart for granted. I’m over Denni but I’m still healing from the wounds he left me with. Living a secret life, hiding everything from me, his friends, all the girls he was talking to behind my back via- text messaging and myspace. Lying to me about stupid shit. he lost my trust, but the worst part is he took parts of my trust away from me. Colin was a tool. Yelling at me pushing me around “literally.” Looking back on my r’ships from years ago is even worse. Jason was the one i thought ruined me for good. I took me forever to feel comfortable with another guy. He kept me from the outside world I wasn’t allowed to even have a female friend and when he got drunk he would be the biggest ass hole to me. calling me a bitch, etc. I finally left him the night he pretty much, god it so hard to even admit to myself. I guess forced “raped me” anally. so sick. so twisted. I felt worse then I did when my moms ex husband raped me for 2 years when I was 9. I never looked back. and it has been so hard for me to even be with a guy. involved as in having a boyfriend in general. Every single guy I have been with has lied to me cheated on me and hurt me emotionally and or Physically.

This new r’ship is a challenge for me, which for the most part I’m doing fine with. I’m just not okay with a certain parts of our life. mainly other people in it. Which would never had been an issue but once again the truth was kept from me and images were handed to me on a plate. Even though this lie was in what he thought “his best interest, our best interest” it wasn’t. and it hurt me a lot, and took away some of the trust I came into this r’ship with which is hard for me to begin with because of all the shit I’ve had to deal with my whole life. It really just isn’t fair for me.

From day one I was truthful about everything I had done. It also would be so bad if she wasn’t so fucking flirty with him. Every time I walk away and come back she is flirting with him some how some way. any time her boyfriend isn’t in the room she is messing with some other dude grinding on them, she sends guys out of state sexy pictures of herself while she has a boyfriend. she has no morals and I don’t trust her with him. and in all rights I don’t have to, and with everything that has happened in this situation I wont. So far there has been nothing shown to me that I can trust this or feel comfortable. Im not going to deal with stupid bullshit. My r’ship is more important to me than some 18 year old girl. I want her out of the picture.

I want to enjoy my new love, We are so happy together when her name isnt involved. we can get over this hump. If this is really what he wants he will understand where I’m coming from and let it be. She is my only issue.

The way we look at each-other, laugh together, our arms wrapping around the other. every moment is perfect. waking up next to him is brilliant as the sky is blue. The smile on my face is retarded when I see his face. Its like a love story taken straight from film. I never want this to end. He is by far one of the best things Ive had in my life. and I don’t want to lose him. It would break me. Im such a good person and i deserve this. I deserve to be happy and in love.

Ich zerstöre mich

Every day i fill my water full and i empty it fast, looking at myself makes me sick sometimes. im never perfect and the sad part is I want to be. The pressures of IT girls in magazines and skinny legs. i destroy myself on a daily basis, i know im not alone in this and i really have no one who could understand or relate to around me. Im stuck in this hole.

I cant look at food without already feeling guilty about it.

Everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.

I’ve reached my fifteen minutes already and im over it. I dont really think people need more than 15. All seems kinda pointless after the first Five minutes it gets Boring. Nightlife always seemed like a great idea, Escaping from daylight and cutting loose with your friends. Sometimes we get carried away and fall into the traps of the dance floor Kids. Gossip, Rumors. I feel like this is an episode of the Real world. constant back stabbing and hypocritical exposure.

I have: Real,Honest,Good,Influential.

People in my life right now. and i need to keep myself surround by open-minded, experienced Beings like that.

Im not perfect at all but I have reasons behind everything that i do, At times i know that it may not be the best idea but at least im aware of what im doing and i can own up to that. I deal with the consequence at hand. I dont curl up and look at you like a sad puppy.. I KNOW WHAT IM DOING…. What others need to do is focus more on their own issues and their own mistakes. (THE WORLD COULD BE A BETTER PLACE)

When I woke my back was broke from lyin on the floor
Sunlight poured through all the cracks in my front door